Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
