i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
