I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
