After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Houston, we have a blender
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
