he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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