thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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