yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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