I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
