Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
