Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
