OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
