Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
