if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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