no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
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