I wish I could teleport
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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