I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Randomize
