Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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