We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
