He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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