saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
