The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
