no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
