I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
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