He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
