Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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