Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
