When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize