The maid of honor just puked.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
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