Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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