I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
