You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
