i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
