He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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