I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
