dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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