Please, let me fuck your mom
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
