I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
