About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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