I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
