Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you win again, gameday.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
