I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
