I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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