And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
