I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
