thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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