You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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