im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Your cock deserves a montage
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
