I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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