i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
