new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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