i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
