literally had 100 drinks last night.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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