I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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