True but thats because hes a fetus.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
