Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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