i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
