but the lizard people decide everything anyway
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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