Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
