I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
