Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
